NO SETTLING

A lot of times I go through great lengths to capture how I feel and where I’m at mentally during these weekly blog entries, but from now on, I’m just going to let the words flow. I cried to my sister today because I don’t like where I am in life. I could be doing better on all fronts, but when I look at the totality of what I’ve become, I just feel so down. This is me living in the present, not the past and not the future, just here and right now. I’ve always been a popular loner, so that isn’t what’s bothering me. Not living in my truth is what’s bothering me. I’m not a liar, or at least this is what I always thought, but today I realized…although I am a 100% honest with others, I haven’t shown myself the same courtesy. I’ve lied about feeling comfortable being overweight, I’ve lied to myself about being able to live off a smaller amount of money, and I’ve lied to myself about being content. The truth of the matter is that I gave up on myself a long time ago. I just didn’t see it. It was always external things that prevented me from becoming the best version of myself e.g. women, friends, and jobs. Except it was me all along. I wondered why I never fell in love with anyone and if I am being truthful with myself, it’s because I didn’t love myself. You can’t love anyone unless you love yourself and no matter how much anyone pours into you, it’ll be like a little crack at the bottom of the glass…it’ll slowly leak out and the next thing you know, you’ll need to be replenished. I settled for my life, the good and the bad, but not anymore. Settling can lead to the destruction of one’s soul and today I came face to face with that reality. When I would date, I’d ignore little red flags only to have them multiple in size by the end of things. Today I had to come to the realization that this caused me not to trust my judgement in partners and in life, so the more situations I settled on, the more and more I begin to distrust and lie to myself.

June 22, 2023 I said I would give up cursing on June 22, 2024 and on June 23, 2023 I said I would give up lying to myself on June 23, 2024. It looks like I lied to myself again because June 10, 2024 will be the day I change these things. I want my comedy to be viewable to everyone and I hope that my messages can be received by all ages, so no matter what others might have to say about it, I’ll be performing clean comedy only unless it’s to an adult only crowd. So long lies and darkness. Hello truth and light.